Monday, January 12, 2009


One thing all aspiring rakes must recognize is that the true rakehell produces absolutely nothing, except the elegance of his own being. So, if he does not produce, he must consume.

The rake's rule in consumption is summed up in three words: more, more, and more. Except when it comes to food, where the rule is less, less, less. You simply cannot be a rake unless you look like one, that is, as tall and thin as one can be. Therefore, it is imperative that an aspiring scoundrel's diet should be in pursuit of that shape which he wishes to acquire.

Let us follow a gustatory day in the life of a proper bounder: he never rises before noon on any day, so breakfast is simply never eaten. This is fortuitous--it eliminates fully one third of all the meals normal people eat. After sitting in bed smoking for at least half an hour after waking, he should take a small meal of citrus fruit (prevents scurvy), undressed roughage (improves digestion), soup, and several crusts of bread. Sandwiches are of course for the working man, which the rake decidedly is not. If he is particularly peckish, he may nibble on a handful of pistachios, which may also provide essential proteins. Two pints of beer, one of the more caloric of intoxicating drinks, should supplement this meal. A dram or two of scotch may also be substituted. A multivitamin may help combat the vitamin deficiencies that one will inevitably face.

If you are living the rakish life well, you will be hungover during this first meal. But do not succumb to the temptation of overindulgence in any foodstuff. After all, we are rakes, and must rise above our baser instincts.

In the afternoon, one's stomach may begin to growl. Instead of turning to food for comfort, substitute alcohol, tobacco or women if possible. Women serve not only to satisfy the libido but to take the mind off of food in all its forms.

Moving on to dinner, it is important to be seen in the company of an attractive woman as many times as possible each week. The purpose of this is twofold. Not only does the presence of this woman increase your social standing, but there is always the chance that she can be convinced to pay for dinner ( but more on that later.) As far as food goes, eat the most well-balanced meal offered. If given the choice, always substitute greens for potatoes. In terms of meat, fish is preferable to chicken, while beef and pork are interchangeable as a distant third. If one's metabolism permits, you may occasionally opt for boar, venison, or other types of game. Not only is it delicious, but it may allow you to make vague allusions to some familial country estate that may or may not exist. Remember, always save room for as much liquor as possible, as the rake must always allow for the possibility that he will be challenged to a drinking contest later that evening - a challenge that he cannot turn down.

In summation, if you can only remember three rules, remember these:

1. When it comes to food, less is more, as in the less food you eat, the more attractive you will be.
2. If faced with the choice to consume more booze or more food, always sacrifice food for booze--after all, a rake's need to stay thin is second only to his need to stay drunk.
3. If it ever comes to the point that your tailor has to let out the waist on a pair of pants, cease all food consumption until things return to normal.
(As a rake, your BMI should fall somewhere within the white area)

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