Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Ideally, the gentleman-scoundrel should be chauffeured about town in an automobile of scandalous luxury. Unfortunately, in these trying economic times, such a conveyance may not be available and the rake may need to chauffeur himself. In this case, here are a few guidelines that should be followed.

1. The rake should only be seen driving a Rolls-Royce, Triumph, MG, Jaguar, or any of the established continental luxury sedans or coupés. If he lacks the funds to acquire any of the aforementioned automobiles, all driving should be done in disguise, or not at all.

2. If the rake is reduced to such a state that he is required to take public transit and he is recognized by any acquaintance (not that any ideal acquaintance of the rake would be taking public transport either), he should feign an interest in studying the sociology of working peoples; it may also be appropriate to make vague allusions to leftist or revolutionary sentiments.

3. Living the lifestyle that he does, it will of course be necessary for the rake to drive while intoxicated. However, he should make every effort to learn to drive drunk with the ease and grace that befits a man of his position and habits. This will take practice. A strong caveat here, though: only drive drunk when you are sure you will not be caught. If apprehended, you may face fines or costly legal battles that can severely limit your enjoyment of the pleasures to which you have rightly become accustomed.

4. Any car that you drive must be equipped with ashtrays (more on that later).

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