Thursday, March 11, 2010

Vox Populi Results p. II

Results of Poll: 2 March - 9 March 2010
If Gaspard is scheduled to take the 4:15 express train out of Gare de Nord towards Brussels and Alisdair is scheduled to take a 3:30 express out of Berlin Hauptbahnhof, also towards Brussels, who will arrive first, and how many drinks will he have had?

Total Votes: 50

Gaspard, having had 15 drinks: 4 (8%)
Alisdair, after downing 22 drinks: 7 (14%)
Gaspard, after Alisdair is ejected from the train in Dortmund for groping a woman: 35 (70%)
Alisdair, after Gaspard has perished on the trip: 4 (8%)

Readers, I take umbrage. Clearly, you all don't have much faith in my moral rectitude--rightly so, I suppose. In fact, I have something of a history of unexpected and unceremonious exits from moving locomotives. Just last winter, I was unceremoniously accosted and thrown bodily off a Belgian train after being caught in flagrante delicto with the conductor's wife in the coal room. So your suspicions are a bit warranted. But what gets me mad is not that you think I would grope some saucy tart, but that you imagine she would get querulous about it. Let me tell you something: I've laid hands upon thousands of women, and not a one of them has ever complained.

No, as it turns out, all of you were wrong--all of you except one. That modern-day Cassandra, the Marquis de Vouvray, unheeded by the masses, correctly guessed our fate. After forty-five drinks apiece, give or take a few, Gaspard and I were both too juiced to make our trains. We both dozed rather soundly, he in his usual spot in the Jardin du Luxembourg, and I in the arms of the bierfrau who got me that way.

So, to all of you who doubted me, I demand that you each pay one of my outstanding bar tabs as redress.  Otherwise, look to your own. And to our Belgian procuress, Gaspard and I will make it up to you somehow...

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