On Fatherhood, pt. II

Today I would like to address a question posed to us by one of our fans, again via Facebook.

Mr. Nicolas Stevens writes:

"What is the policy on educating sons and daughters? Do we encourage them to follow our ways, or keep them innocent so that we may spend all our money on ourselves and they can support us in our declining years."

Well Mr. Stevens, perhaps you are a newcomer to our little forum, but I have addressed that exact question in another post I wrote a few months ago, which you can find here .

However, I am glad you asked - I have long wanted to elaborate, and you have kindly given me the opportunity.

In the past months it has occurred to me that not all of our readers are true rakes. This does not disappoint me - I have no interest in further competition. With "internet background checks," "DNA-based paternity tests, " and "compulsory alcohol educational programs" my hands are quite full indeed.

Therefore, this post is written for those who may not be rakes, but can admire the lifestyle and its trappings and want to learn a bit more about the relationship between rakes and parenthood. So, for those who have reached a certain age and have foolishly begun to seriously contemplate fatherhood, take heed.

First of all, daughters are your worst nightmare. Alisdair and I - as well as the more zealous of our readers - have spent the better part of our lives perfecting logical, moral, and emotional arguments tailored to young women, detailing just why they should throw caution to the wind and compromise their virtue by spending even an hour alone with either one of us (or both of us, if she has had enough to drink.) Short of a shackling her with a chastity belt, I can see no other way of preventing this. So, unless you want to become a grandfather in your mid-40s, take care to observe the following precautions to conceive a male heir:

1. Change your wife's diet to include an abundance of red meat and codfish, and cut out calcium rich foods like parsley and turnip-top.
2. Schedule your congress for odd-numbered days of the month.
3. Couple only at night, under a waning quarter-moon.
4. Climax before your partner. I know this tip is counter-intuitive to our Casanovas out there, but Soranus tells us that a male can be conceived only when the father's sperm is stronger and more vigorous than the sperm of the mother; giving your boys a head start is crucial.
5. For the reason (4) listed above, take care to marry a submissive woman. If, after 2 children, your wife has not produced a son, discard her and begin anew.

If all has gone to plan and you have a healthy baby boy, there are two paths available. If you wish to raise a son through whom you can live vicariously, simply direct him to this site when he is at a reading age and sit back and enjoy. Beware - this style of parenting may wreck you financially earn you the disapproval of your peers, but the stories your son will tell you will be well worth it. Besides, he may up marrying up, and you will be more than reimbursed for the gambling debts and legal fees that you will have faced.

If, on the other hand, you wish to raise your son in a wholesome manner, take care to avoid the mistakes of my own father and follow these directions:

1. Do not employ any domestic types who are remotely attractive - any young, supple body around a growing boy will provide distraction that can quite quickly turn into obsession.
2. Either keep no liquor in the house and forswear alcohol, or become such a raging drunk that your son will be turned off from booze entirely.*
3. Smoke constantly as a deterrent.
4. Send your child to public schools and discourage erudition; a dull mind will never crave the eccentric pleasures that arouse a learned one.

I hope this is informative. Please direct all further questions to our Facebook page or e-mail us at Arakesprogress@gmail.com

-G


*The latter is much more fun.