Monday, June 8, 2009
It is I, Gaspard! First of all, I would like to take the opportunity to correct Alisdair's choice of words. What happened between my former employer and I did not involve any "Shit-canning." Rather, it involved myself taking the initiative. Peeved after my free coffee privileges were revoked over an incident involving a Hazelnut blend and a pint of whiskey, I went on strike. However, it seems that my work at the company was not valued enough for my patron to make any concessions. Shocking, I know. In the end, we agreed to disagree and parted ways. I often reflect that the company was the unfortunate party in that situation.
Moving on, I wish to explain myself in regards to the letter that that Scotsman so rudely shared with you without my knowledge. I don't normally stoop to justifying my behaviour, but I think that you, my dear readers, could benefit from an explanation of that curious correspondence. To the average man, this declaration could seem slightly extravagant, nay, extremely so. Fools! I received sage advice on this subject from a close confederate, a Russian Prince Korasov. He counseled me, "Gaspard, there must be burning passion when you write. Reading a well written love letter is the ultimate pleasure for a prude; it's a moment when she can be off her guard. She's not acting a part, she can dare listen to her heart; so two letters a day." Indeed, that letter to my little flower was only the first of the day! After Alisdair took leave of me later that evening, I composed a second, even more frenzied than the first, in which I described my undying and fierce desire for this lovely young maiden in even more explicit terms.
Korasov's advice, when taken in kind with his other two points ( 1. See her every day, and 2. Pay court to a woman of her acquaintance, but without putting ANY outward signs of passion) is really quite miraculous. Without going into too much detail, my beloved's work schedule prevents me from seeing her daily; alas, I have never even met her. However, I worry not. She has been returning my letters with as much frequency as possible, and we are planning a trip away from the watchful eye of any chaperones . As far as point 2 is concerned, I have also begun to cultivate a relationship with a close friend and fellow starlet of hers. As development has been slow, I have no juicy news to report. Although a gentleman never kisses and tells, I am no gentleman, so rely on me to keep you informed of any future happenings. I must go; as it is my habit to have several possible dates at any given moment, I must literally write between 3 and 4 dozen letters per day. Although exhausting, it is a highly lucrative ( in the carnal sense of the word) endeavor.
Never under any circumstances telephone, e-mail, or use what is known as a "text". These automatically illustrate your lack of interest. Letters should be written on heavy paper and sealed with a wax stamp. As rakes, it may be difficult to obtain so much stationery, as it is quite expensive. Never fear, just steal it! One must convince these silly young things that time and money are being spent on them before any affair has even begun, thus vastly (and falsely) inflating their hopes for a successful relationship.
Posted by Gaspard Lerâteau at 2:49 PM